In memory of Lux von Schraderhaus October 04 2008- December 19 2018
Wednesday, December 19, 2018
It was so fast.
Five hours from diagnosis to goodbye
In some ways a blessing, he didn’t suffer In other ways shocking, where did he go?
My animal body has not caught up with the facts yet.
Time was way off today.
It feels like I got up 20 minutes ago and All Of These Things could not possibly have happened in such a short time.
And yet he isn’t here anymore
There is only one where there had been two.
Thank goodness for the one still here
She keeps us present
Without her all we would be able to see is loss
Which comes in waves anyway
His happy morning hopping chortle.
His sweet dirt smell.
His soft ears and generous heart.
All no longer available
At the very same time I feel truly grateful that was able to help him go when it was right
What a gift
For all the rightness he gave me
It is quite the combination to feel
This deep loss and deep gratitude
I will always love him
Thursday, December 20, 2018
My Dear,
This is the first full day I have lived without you being alive in over ten years. Even when I was apart from you I thought of you fondly, and was excited to see you again, knowing that our hearts would be glad to be in each other’s presence.
You were so good at reminding us when it was time to do things, keeping us on track and in a routine. You were just so good.
I miss you being in your body when it was healthy. You were so hippity-hoppity-happy. Such a joy to play with and be around.
But I did it. I lived a day without you and all of us are all right. Waves of missing you came and went. I breathed and rode them and let the tears come until I could feel the love again.
Thank you so much for being my heart-dog. You helped me so much. You taught me to play again, to see the innocent joy in life, to not think so much and just be.
I loved the way you looked at me, the invisible but palatable love connection we always had, the way your fur felt, your earthy-sweet-stinky smell.
I feel so thankful, so very thankful that I got to share your life with you and teach you and learn from you.
At the bottom of it all I am left with love.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
All the little moments you taught me about.
When I come home
First thing in the morning
Meal times
Before bed
When I see a squirrel.
Friday, December 21, 2018
It’s winter solstice today. The light will begin to come back tomorrow My heart is sore but I am still breathing
We have taken your girlfriend with us everywhere since your passing. We are at the clinic right now and she is napping in her crate with the door open. It is a comfort for us all to be together And it still is so odd to me that you are not waiting at home.
My life is a new shape without you. I ate breakfast and lunch today. I had been skipping meals since you left. I am working on taking care of my body. You had your own special sweet love gravity that kept me grounded and helped me feel safe. I feel a bit untethered without you, but our two other pack members are here, and we are all being very sweet to each other.
You would be proud of Norah. She is working out being an only dog and the senior dog with a steady grace. Thank you for teaching her so well.
Thank you my sweetest bear for all that good love you gave me.
I miss you.
I love you.
Saturday, December 22
Today I realized how noisy you were. I remember as a pup you would wail your way through the first repetition of learning something new, and then by rep three do it like a pro. I remember when you were getting crate trained and the only thing that would stop your cries was when we played Norah Jones or Corrine Bailey Rae for you. We called it your Lady Music. Norah is noticeably quieter without you here. You must of been egging her on in dog language.
I had a big cry last night. I Miss you most first thing in the morning and last thing at night. I used to sing you that song, “In the morning and the evening, it’s you I like to see, oh my sweetheart, oh my sweetheart, oh my darling shepherd boy.” (to the tune of My Darling Clementine)
Sigh.
And yet we are ok, our animal bodies are still a little confused by your absence. Our minds and hearts understand the grace of it all.
There have been some firsts today. The first time I made sweet potatoes for Norah and not for you too. The first time I didn’t say, “I’m making sweet potatoes for my sweet potatee!” Boy did I say a lot of silly things to you all of the time. Norah is humoring me.
Today is a little easier than yesterday.
I love you.
Sunday, December 23
Day five. I missed you this morning when I told Norah it was breakfast time. She was interested, but does not have the full bounding enthusiasm that you did. You loved your food. That made you easy to teach new things to.
We went for a walk today. It is really cold out, and snowing one tiny flake at a time.
I looked back at some pictures of you over the last year. In so many of them, you are so happy. I have pictures of you smiling inside, outside, playing, resting. You had a wonderful last year. It soothes me to know that, to see that so clearly. I love your smile.
I feel proud of the way I loved you and that I kept my promise to you to keep you safe and happy and help you go when it was right.
We still talk about you many times a day.
I will write to you some more, I am sure, but maybe not every day.
I will love you every day though!
You will always be in my heart.
Part of my heart is made of you.
Thank you my love.
I love you.
I will always be your person, and you will always be my dog.