I walked on the hill with my dog today.
He had fun. I got asthma.
I’ve been getting asthma for so many years. When I got back to the car I just sat there and gasped for a while.
Sometimes it feels like I put in so much effort and nothing ever really changes. I am still a quiet girl who wants to read books, hang out with dogs, and can’t breathe.
Then a little bit of perspective comes back- all the eating right, learning about my body, taking herbs and supplements and getting various therapies did help. I remember them helping, some of them seeming like downright miracles.
Some things have changed for the better and never changed back. Other things just seem to be the way of this body- weak lungs, needing a lot of sleep, and a tendency towards melancholy.
But I’m tired today. My body has been aching and I wake up at night and resettle. Is this what getting older is like? I felt so tired when I went to bed last night and just as tired when I got up this morning.
A couple cups of tea and breakfast helped a lot- I will make it through the day.
But when will i rest? When will I feel better? Why does it always feel like nothing will change when I feel bad, and yet I can clearly remember that lots of times I feel good?
My foot is asleep. I know I need to move more but my hips hurt.
the truth is, we are opening a business and the to-do lists are a mile long right now. There are so many things to do, follow up on, choices to be made, processes to try out, projects to follow up on. I am stressed.
And it is fall, which has always been the most difficult season for my lungs.
Time will march on, some of the things on my list will get crossed off, I will re-learn what foods I like in cooler weather, I will find my favorite sweaters and watch my dogs play in the snow.
I know these things are true, but I can’t seem to feel them right now.
That’s how it is some days. Perspectives can be cultivated and practiced, but that does not mean that you will always be able to maintain them.
Sometimes you just need to make it through the day.
May we all sleep well.